


Untitled Akatsuki-Insert

by kohaku_shi



Series: The Scrap Heap (Naruto Edition) [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: A lot of cursing, Gen, I warn you now though, Incomplete, Mostly Crack, Multiple Perspectives, Original Character(s), Part of the premise is Jashin as a girl stuck in the insert's head, There is cursing, and humor, but this actually got written, hence her arrival in the naruto world, more of a crack-fic than anything to be honest, or not all there, possibly crazy, scrapped ideas, self/original character insert, the OC/Main Character's kind of mental, there are other alternate ideas, this is really old, though I'm not sure I'm doing it very well, two parts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 06:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11938260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kohaku_shi/pseuds/kohaku_shi
Summary: Cross-Post from Fanfiction.net"A strange girl with voices in her head meets the Akatsuki...and comes up with some compelling if strange logic to explain certain things. Hidan would never have put 'Kakuzu' and 'Religious' in the same sentence unless it was 'Kakuzu is not religious' or some variant of it. And yet..." (Originally Scrap 02 & 03 of The Scrap Heap: Naruto Edition)Warning: A LOT of cursing. Hidan curses a lot, so do most of the other characters, but Shin (technically an OC) does a lot, too.Naruto, Akatsuki-Insert (As-Is/Two-Part-Scrap/Complete)





	1. Not in Kansas Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pein sends Sasori and Hidan out to check on something strange that pings on his senses. The two go -though rather reluctantly at that. What they find...well, she might give Tobi a run for his money as the craziest (if not most delusional) person they may have ever met.
> 
> Hearing and talking to voices in your head is definitely not the best indication of sanity, after all.
> 
> Then again, could the Akatsuki really talk...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time we have quite an old story idea that I've polished and dusted off. There's another completed chapter but the third was scrapped, so expect the second part for this one soon. If I ever decide to rewrite or polish off that third then I guess we'll see about posting it as an actual story…
> 
> Another OC/SI-Insert, though of a bit of a different sort, with a plot that can be explained if anyone's curious. Another child who's not a mary-sue, though this one would need more explanation and backstory to prove it, I guess. So far, though, I don't think she is. At least, not right now, anyway. And I'm not planning to make her one either on the off-chance that I continue this.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't the Akatsuki or Naruto. I can, however, claim partial ownership of the few paraphernalia and such that I do own.
> 
> Also, as mentioned in previous posts, everything is self-beta'd, so mentions of any possible mistakes would be very much appreciated.

* * *

 

 

" **...** " The first thing she noticed, upon waking up, was that her roof was unnaturally green, and that she was sprawled on her back, and laying on something that was rather uncomfortably digging into it. The second thing she noticed was a weight on her stomach and something else digging into her shoulder. The third, was that she was not, in fact, indoors as she had first thought, but outside, and that her glasses were sorta hanging off her face, making her vision awkward, half blurry half clear.

"Ohhh…  _Crap._  I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," she blinked, ignoring the fact that not only was she not from Kansas to begin with, but that she had never even been there in her life...well, as far as she knew, anyways... As well as the fact there was no one around, either.

Surprisingly, though, she didn't seem to be as alone as she'd thought as a rather familiar, yet unexpected voice resounded.

'Of-fucking-course not, dipshit!' The voice stated sarcastically, 'we were never there to begin with, fuckass!'

"..." Her only response was to blink owlishly, before reaching a hand up to fix the positioning of her glasses. "...I thought you weren't real," was the first thing she said as she started to sit up, rubbing the knot in her back from laying on the gnarly roots of a large tree, wincing slightly as she did so.

The voice snarled, 'Of course I'm fuckin' real, asshat! What, just cuz I reside in your mind right now you think I don't fucking exist? Newsflash, you  _psycho_ , I'm real!' The voice was clearly annoyed, as it was seemingly ignored so that the onyx-haired girl could shake the dirt -and whatever else was there- off her clothes, before she started patting herself, and her surprisingly intact messenger bag, clean.

"Oh," was all she said, then, " 'right now'...?" She asked quizzically, looking around to see if any of her other things were present -yup, there's her laptop. She spotted the slim model a foot or two away from where she'd been laying, dimly reflecting what little light was allowed through the canopy of the unfamiliar forest, taking the step or two to reach it, she leaned down to pick it up and dust it off, before rolling the power cord up and opening her bag to see if there was enough space.

She knew she had her phone and keys as well, though it was a question of how her keys would be useful and whether there was a signal in this dense forest, if at all. But that could wait until the 'voice in her head' stopped ranting and cussing her out as she semi-payed attention, looking around to see if any of her other things were present.

Never once did she wonder how she'd ended up in the woods, or why she was there to begin with, a bit too used to going with the flow unless it was more troublesome than refusing, let alone why a voice in her head was ranting at her.

'-and... Hey! Are you even listening to me, fuckwit?!' The voice scowled...well, if a disembodied voice  _could_  scowl, anyways, she thought, taking a moment to ponder the curiosity before shrugging it off and responding.

'Of course I am, I'm just checking to see if everything's here,' she thought back genially, spotting her phone charger lying haphazardly a little ways away on a gnarled root. 'You were saying...?'

The voice grumbled. 'I should just leave you to die,' it -she?- scowled.

'But then you'd "die" too,' she pointed out, not quite sure how she knew this, but meh, stranger things had happened, she thought, frowning slightly in thought as she rolled up the charger to put into her bag -thank jashin she hadn't had to bring all her textbooks along with her, though she did carry her psychology texts for some reason.

'You're welcome,' the voice snapped sarcastically, before pausing for a bit. 'Why the fuck do you have those things with you anyways? You don't have 102 today anyways!' She glared(?)

'I didn't mean you,' she responded, unfazed by her supposed alter-ego's (id's?) lack of 'elegance' and manner. 'And it's interesting. Might as well bring a book that's useful rather than just amusing, right?' She stated logically, frowning slightly at the choice of language.

She wasn't usually quite so...uncouth...

'Yeah, well, too bad, I am what I fucking am -and  _that makes absolutely no fucking sense!_ ' the alt snapped, seeming quite irritated, even as she ignored the exceedingly annoying bluntness of the -outwardly- apathetic girl's thoughts. Clearly she was still half-asleep.

'That's quite rude, Shin-chan, and the "mindreading" works both ways you know,' the girl chided mentally, no longer looking around now that she's searched the general area, satisfied that everything that seemed to belong to her was now safely put away with the rest of her current belongings.

If a voice could eyeroll then she was pretty sure 'Shin', as she typically called the alter-ego, would have been. 'Yeah, yeah,' she drawled, giving her the distinct feeling that she was being mocked...

She probably was.

'Now what say we find our damn way out'a this fucking flora-maze before we actually get lost?' She asked scathingly.

"..." 'And we aren't already...?' She blinked.

If an ego could facepalm, she would have. '...that was fucking  _sarcasm_...' Geesh, was she fucking stupid or was she actually still asleep? The annoyed voice wondered.

...Probably both.

The girl gave the slightest twitch, giving away the fact that she had 'heard' that...mind conversations could be so confusing.

'Now can we get goddamned going or are we gonna fucking loiter around 'til 'Karu wakes up? Cuz seriously, much as I don't mind her, she's fucking  _annoying_  when she's spazzing and panicking -its cramped enough in here as it is!' The annoyed voice grumbled.

"..." The girl paused, tilting her head slightly to think about this, 'is it?' She wondered, completely unfazed by the previous allusion to the fact she may not be perfectly sane, as she had long since accepted the fact. '...Can you see in there?' She wondered curiously -she had always wondered what it would be like to live in her own mind.

'...' The voice gave a mental twitch, 'yes, of fucking course- well, no...not all the goddamn time. Not that I'd _want_  to,' the voice gave a shudder.

Strange things happened in that girl's mind... And to be quite honest, it scared her sometimes. Especially when she would get into a series and more characters -or, rather 'muses'- would appear in the strange dimension that was her mind.

She had never quite gotten over watching her more... _sadistic_...muses at their best...or worst, as the case may be. And  _she_  was supposed to be the impulsive, 'evil' one...

Just goes to show how twisted a mind is that the dark and light seem to be reversed. She didn't seem to care, 'Hikaru' didn't see how sadism was wrong -or rather, she  _couldn't_  being as densely oblivious as she was- and 'shin... God, sometimes she had a feeling that she had chosen the wrong person to inhabit as an alter-ego, but then, she would remember that others would either try to control her, notice something was wrong, try to get rid of her, or...well, it was just much easier to live in the mind of a girl who was at least  _somewhat_  sane (or could at least pretend to be so), and already had a whole world inhibiting her mind.

"Muse World" as she called it. Muses and Characters came and went as it was, and she never seemed to bother to decide who was there, surprising even herself at times when a muse she didn't realize even existed in her mind 'appeared'...

Honestly, she was a strange girl, but to be honest, Shin probably couldn't have asked for (or picked) a better candidate aside from the fact that the girl was rather (quite, to be honest) lazy most of the time.

Still, that could be remedied given time, though, sadly, it was probably already too late to change her personality or thought pattern.

* * *

" **C** he, why the fuck did we have to get chosen for this stupid (scouting?) mission!" An annoyed silver-haired man tsked, swinging his triple-scythe easily with a single arm and bringing down several trees as he did so in his annoyance.

He had been complaining the entire time as he trailed his current -thankfully temporary- partner, who was about as annoyed though he didn't show it, trudging slowly at what most would see as a normal pace (still, slow for them).

The elder of the duo didn't say a word, instead, opting to ignore his zealously religious partner as he did, mind still turning over the curiosity of their mission, and the strange wording of their esteemed Leader-sama...

* * *

_"I've called you two here today as there seems to have been a strange disturbance in the area not too far from one of the entrances to the HQ," the blank-faced and multi-pierced man explained, finger trailing over a map to where the supposed 'disturbance' was._

_"It has come to my attention that a strange presence has appeared, and may be a threat to our current location," the man continued, his tone serious yet somehow slow enough to be considered leisurely to those around him. "I want you to capture this presence and bring it back, alive ."_

_The two standing before him seemed to blink, before staring at each other, then back. Normally a Nin would just be dispatched to 'dispose' of the threat but he wanted this "presence" as he continued to phrase it, frowning at the wording as well as the pairing._

_"Any questions...?" There was a moment of silence as the two temporary partners seemed to stare at each other. Eventually, the shorter of the two figured spoke up._

_"Why assign us to this mission?" He asked as in 'why not send one of the usual groups...?'_

_The orange haired and orange-eyed man seemed to pause. "I'm afraid that Kakuzu is absent, and most of the other teams are away on missions as well. Also, I don't trust any of the lower class tiers with this. On the other hand, Sasori, you are responsible enough to keep Hidan in control should he forget himself and the fact that the capture must be alive ," he explained, needless to mention that Orochimaru, that bastard, had betrayed them and left sometime after Itachi's induction into the Akatsuki..._

_Sasori might have nodded, but no one could really tell and it wasn't like he would waste time on such a wasteful movement either, instead he just seemed to pause and think about this. "...I see," was all he said, as Hidan, the newer, silver-haired Jashinist nut of a member fumed, though it was true, he was quite likely to forget the point of the mission and just go on an all-out killing spree. Besides, Sasori was, at the moment, currently partnerless, though apparently Pein had already found him a new partner...who was still too rebellious to truly be considered a partner, but the brat would come around... They always did..._

* * *

**H** idan continued to grumble and mutter irritably, cursing profusely as he followed the shorter, but bulkier figure before him. He was going to alert their supposed 'target' if he continued like this, Sasori thought, getting quite annoyed by the jashinist devotee. Honestly.

"Shut up," he said at last as they started to get closer, as always, voice distorted from storing himself within Hiruko, his main puppet and first defense (as well as offence but not many needed to know that, or at least, not many survived to know it).

Hidan had just started to cuss him out when a spiked and ridged tail whacked him upside the head -Sasori was careful to make sure he didn't get poisoned, of course, even if he was supposedly immortal, though mainly only because it would be a waste of the poison.

Hidan grumbled, muttering blackly for a moment, before shutting up as they came closer.

Apparently he wasn't quite as stupid as he seemed, Sasori thought. Good.

As the strange duo -an immortal religious nut and a human that had turned himself into a puppet (though some might argue he's more of an android,  _coughcough_ )- got closer, they sensed the strange 'presence' that Pein had described, silently making their way to the source.

When they got there, though, they were surprised to see a girl that seemed to be talking to herself, something that confused the duo, but wasn't too alarming...yet.

* * *

**H** ikaru had finally 'woken' about an hour or so later, if their inner clocks were working correctly, and, as predicted, had gone into a full out, spastic panic attack upon learning of their situation. Luckily, however, they had managed to calm her down, and she was now just sniffling pathetically in the corner of her mind...if minds had corners anyways. Still, at least she kept out of the way as Shin and she talked.

To be truthful, she didn't mind Hikaru's spontaneity or overactive ways. Quite frankly it amused her. Unfortunately it did tend to get pretty old after a while, so she had tuned the better natured of her two 'alter-ego's, as she had decided to dub them, for the less well-mannered one, who was unsurprisingly giving some good pointers to the girl.

'...so  _don't_  fucking eat those, got it?' She informed the girl, who nodded absently.

"Yeah, green berries equal stomachache, got it," she murmured, saying it out loud as she was more likely to remember if she did...not that she probably would have needed to. She had already figured that the green spheres were just unripe until Shin had gone into lecture mode informing her that no, those were entirely ripe and totally bad for her...

'Good! Now pay fucking attention, if you see a...'

She decided not to point out that she was unlikely to eat them anyways, somehow just managing to refrain from actually saying so. Besides, it was always fun to see what her alternate selves -as well as muses- knew that she, herself, didn't. It was strange at times, since one would think a muse alter-ego was basically a part of a person's subconscious, but then, her mind had never quite played by normal rules.

Muses tended to develop in rather strange ways as well, due to that and she didn't always know what her muses were 'thinking' until she put pen to paper -or finger to keyboard- so it was always amusing, if not fun or creepy at times.

'-so don't even fucking try it and- hey...  _Hey!_  Are you even listening, fuckwit?' Strange how a supposed figment of one's imagination could snap one back to reality, she thought, somewhat amused though her expression didn't show it.

She had never been good at showing emotions, though she could be considered a tsundere at times... To be honest though, it was more her conforming to the people she hung out with and/or talked to more than a confusion of self... Still, even an actor can come to feel like what they're acting, as proven by quite a few cases -many of which involving co-stars falling in love.

"No, sorry," she murmured, talking aloud again just to fill some of the quiet that the forest had seemed to lapse into though there was still an slight undertone of noise. "I spaced out after you started on the difference between venom and poison...or was it what is venomous and/or poisonous...?" She wondered, frowning. Huh, she couldn't remember... Oh well.

"Not like I see any difference in either anyways," she deadpanned, continuing to walk as she spoke.

Shin sighed. 'Alright, I'm only saying this one more time! And for your information its  _venomous_  if it bites you and  _poisonous_  if you ingest it...got it?!'

"Right, venomous equals bitten, poisonous equals eaten." She still didn't see too much of a difference, though -poison was poison no matter how it was taken in.

Shin grumbled and sighed, giving up for the moment. 'Fine.  _Fine_ , be that way! Don't say I didn't warn you though!' She muttered, scowling.

"I won't," she nodded.

'Seriously though, pay attention, this could be life or death,' she grumbled.

"Or it could be some freaky lucid dream like-"

'Like that kami-damned KHR x Naruto one, I  _know._ That was freaky enough as it is just seeing it,  _don't remind me_ ,' she scowled.

The girl nodded, "okay," she agreed, knowing that her dream were kind of weird...like the 'bloody intestines' one where-

'And _don't even think about any of the other ones!_ ' the alt yelled.

"..." She decided to just not say anything.

Unfortunately, as she was talking to...er, herself...she didn't notice that she was being followed -not that she usually would have. For someone who could be so astoundingly astute, she could be rather oblivious to the simplest things.

Then again, these were S rank ninja stalking her if she were to be willing to believe it. And she would have were she not so overly realistic despite her overactive imagination.

The two rounin exchanged a somewhat confused glance...well, one of the two, anyways, the other was a puppet within a puppet so...

" _Oi-!_ " Hidan finally decided to move, stepping out into the clearing from behind the girl, making sure to stand far enough away to be able to point his scythe at her without nicking her, which he did (point it at her, that is). "You, what the fuck you doin' here, bitch!"

For a moment, the girl seemed to freeze before looking back with a deadpanned expression that only served to irritate him -but not as much as the annoying, if not strange, dismissal she'd given him after that.

"...figures it's a dream..." She muttered, turning away without another word, still wearing the deadpan expression.

Hidan twitched, "Why you...!" He scowled, trembling silently in rage before he lashed out, "You bitch! Like hell I'm a fucking dream! Don't just dismiss me like that, you fucktard!" He yelled, bringing his scythe back to swing at her when-

_Clang!_

" _Calm down, Hidan,_ " Sasori's deeper, gravelly voice commanded, his smooth tenor distorted by the armor puppet he 'wore' under his Akatsuki Cloak. "We're not supposed to kill her."

Hidan tsked, "I don't care, bastard! No one fucking dismisses me like that!" He snarled, only to find himself lodged into a tree.

"I said to  _calm down_ , Hidan!" The puppetmaster snarled, puppet tail still poised to strike.

As the two temporary seemed to be at strife for the moment, however, the girl had turn to stare at them blankly for a moment before finally twitching. "...yup, definitely a dream," she muttered.

If a puppet could sweat, Hidan was sure the puppet would...or face fault. Hidan was quite tempted to himself, much to his annoyance. Instead, he twitched, not quite willing to risk the pain of Sasori's poison -temporary as it would be- just for a single reaction to a mere chit of a girl that apparently wasn't even a fucking ninja! That just wasn't the kind of masochist he was, okay!

As he fumed, Sasori turned his...er...puppet's...? head to face her.

"Oh? And what makes you think that...?" He asked slowly, his patience longer that Hidan's though still rather short. Still, perhaps an explanation of some sort would help, the redhead thought, staring at the female with seemingly equally blank eyes.

"Because," the girl deadpanned slowly. "Pein would never pair Sasori and Hidan together..."


	2. The Path of Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After bumping into the unlikely pair of Hidan and Sasori in the forest, Jashin (or Shin for short) despairs that her host will ever be normal. Especially when she proceeds to explain to the two Akatsuki Members why she thinks she's dreaming. 
> 
> Or, "The Reason Why Pairs Are Apparently Decided The Way They Are."
> 
> (She may or may not end up driving the Akatsuki crazier than they already were -if they don't end up killing her at the rate things went, anyway.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two part update! This is the second of two for this piece. It's quite an old story, and there was another half-chapter that was scrapped that I wasn't going to post, but I ended up adding it in the end as a bit of a bonus anyway. After all, it's not guaranteed that I'll ever continue or finish this. If I ever decide to rewrite or polish off that third chapter then I guess we'll see about posting it as a story… Depends on motivation and interest, I suppose. Anyways, enjoy another part of this parody.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Do I really need to repeat myself? I don't live in Japan, my name is not Kishimoto, and I most definitely do not own Naruto.
> 
> As per usual, this is self-beta'd.

* * *

 

_"Because," the girl deadpanned slowly. "Pein would never pair Sasori and Hidan together," she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world..._

**S** hin face palmed -or, rather, she would have if she weren't so used to all the stupidity nowadays. Instead, she settled for a mental twitch.

Neither inhabitant of the female mind noticed the slight tension in the two males, who had frozen at the 'explanation'. By the time they might have, the two ninja had erased all trace of the shock they might have showed at her declaration.

In fact, Hidan was currently staring at her with disbelief, sorta gaping...oh, wait, that probably meant not all his shock was gone. Hidan's expression twisted into a strange look that the girl wasn't quite sure of but shrugged it off.

This was apparently a lucid dream -which would explain why Shin and Hikaru seemed to be most dominant in her mind, acting as Alter-Egos rather than the muses she had (originally) created them to be.

Hikaru was her more social and cheerful 'rule abiding' muse -one could say she was more of a 'copy' though, whose name- and personality- sake was that of a character from one of her very first series (which, she was reminded, that she really needed to actually get around to writing...though now that she thought about it, she, Hikaru, and Shin were strangely quite similar to the original Trio in a way...but off topic), while Shin -short for Jashin, actually- was a semi-canon yet original character for some of the Naruto fanfictions she was continuously restructuring in her mind.

Strangely enough, she could understand how they might be considered her 'Alter-Egos' though psychology would state that as an incorrect term. Still, it was close enough.

Jashin was a bit like her Id, despite all odds, though perhaps that might be better reserved position for Hikaru, strangely enough, who was more spontaneous and tended to rush in more without thinking. Shin technically didn't, preferring to think about things rationally despite her rash and uncouth nature. It was...interesting, to say the least. Each served as the opposite of what they were supposed to represent if one was still following this way of thinking.

Rather than the id, Shin was the ego (or superego, but she could never remember which was which); while Karu (short for Hikaru of course) was the id rather than the ego. And she, well, she supposed she was the balancing point. She was, if one decided to continue this path a bit more and throw in Multiple Personalities -which is now more commonly known as Dissociative Identity Disorder, by the way- then she was the main personality. There was just one difference. Unlike the usual with main personalities in DID, she was conscious of the other 'personalities'.

But I digress, she was moving entirely off topic, and the two Naruto characters in her dream were now staring at her strangely...

She blinked. "Wait...did I say that out loud?" She wondered, mostly to Shin.

'Yeah,  _yeah you did_ ,  _fuckass._ '

"...Oh...oops...?" She blinked, getting the mental image -or feel- of an exasperated facepalm as she tilted her head.

What had she said anyways...?

'The bit about me'n 'karu... Huh. Where is she anyways...?'

She shrugged. "No idea..."

* * *

**H** idan was staring at the girl with half rage and confusion, while Sasori just wasn't sure how to respond, really, especially as it seemed the girl was talking to herself again.

Glancing at Hidan, though, Sasori wondered if it was possible for an immortal to have an apoplexy before deciding that yeah, it was probable, but no, it probably wouldn't be as lethal as one might've hoped.

Damn. He was honestly starting to understand why the man always annoyed Kakuzu -and that annoyed him. Empathy was the first step back to humanity, and the whole point of turning himself into a living puppet was that he didn't want to be human. Granted there was the artistic aspect but...

Back to the matter at hand, he had been so surprised by her inane (insane?) ramblings that he had forgotten that he was going to ask her what she had meant by what she had said earlier... Until she turned her attention to them and told them not to mind what she'd just said (like they could -not mind it that is) and to forget about it.

"Like hell I'm gonna fucking forget about that, bitch! You're claiming blasphemy!" Hidan yelled, incensed, which was understandable considering that he was a zealous follower of Jashinism.

Sasori moved his tail to hover dangerously close to the violet-eyed man's jugular vein in warning, pretending to do as she asked, even as he filed it for later, to ask his previous unasked question.

The girl just gave them another blank look, like it was entirely obvious.

"Kakuzu would clearly kill off anyone other than Hidan, since he can't actually kill him. Although there are slight personality clashes, still, considering they're both religious-"

The two stared at her. Kakuzu was religious...?

"What the fuck do you mean that asshole's religious?!" Hidan had been so surprised by the (possible) revelation that he hadn't really cussed as much as he typically did.

The girl paused, before continuing. "Well, he basically treats making money like you do your religion -and a religion is technically considered a 'faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate reality or deity' and for Kakuzu that would be money. Or, well, to be more specific, 'currency'."

'Wow, did you actually fucking memorize that definition?' Shin asked sarcastically. She ignored her.

'Shut up,' she sent back, twitching slightly.

Okay, so maybe not. Still, the looks -well, look, since she could only see Hidan's expression- on their faces was amusing though. Hidan looked quite surprised by this revelation. If Sasori could show expression, it would probably be mildly surprised with a hint of awe at her way of thinking.

Whether it was awe at the stupidity of the fact she'd waste time thinking about such a thing or awe at how her mind seemed to naturally think, one might never know.

But if it were the latter, it would greatly explain why Pein wanted her alive. That kind of mindset might be useful, as there did seem to be logic and proof, as, for whatever reason, she had actually memorized that definition from Webster's Dictionary...not that anyone needed to know that...

On the other hand, Hidan's mind was sorta blown. Kakuzu and religious (and without the 'is not' in it somewhere in between) in one sentence just didn't seem to work. Yet somehow, this...this...  _brat_  (he had been torn between bitch or girl, but she was younger than him so...) had somehow made it work...

Seriously, though, this was sorta breaking his brain... It didn't make sense, and yet it did... Damn logic. Damn it to hell and to Jashin's bloody mercy.

He fucking hated her.

* * *

**E** ntirely unaware of a new found hate towards her (whether it was serious or not for the above mentioned reason will be seen to later, however), the girl seemed to be conversing silently with her alternates, which was currently going a bit like... this, actually:

'Aaaaw, but they seem kinda nice! Besides, it'd be rude to just run away...' Hikaru pout as Shin twitched.

'Nice?! They're trying to fucking kill you! ...us...what the fuck ever!' She snapped, muttering at the ditzier girl's way of thinking, while the third, and most important member of the trio right now, remained silent.

Why? It was amusing. That, and taking sides with either of them was never a good idea...well, usually. There were times when one or the other would have a purely genius idea, and then who was she to say no? No? Exactly.

Half paying attention to the mental argument, she watched the supposedly-not-real Akatsuki duo with mild curiosity. Why would her mind pair the two of them together? She wondered. Unless...

 _Unless,_  she thought in a sudden moment of genius (or stupidity, depending on who you asked), Kakuzu was absent and Deidara wasn't Sasori's partner yet! Oh, but what about Orochimaru...hmn... Maybe he betrayed them (already), and the others were absent for missions or something as well... She thought, nodding to herself.

But wait... She paused, suddenly thinking of something. Why would Pein send them after her...? I mean, wouldn't he normally just send someone out to 'dispose' of an intruder? And what about traps? Why hadn't they just had traps or something that only the Akatsuki would know about...?

She paused. Oh wait, had she said that all out loud again...?

Hidan nodded, and, surprisingly, so did the Saso-Puppet as she had dubbed his armor puppet thing (cuz that was too long a name and besides, "Saso puppet" just sounded awesomer).

"Oops..." She blinked, really needed to work on that mouth to brain filter.

"Damn right you do!"

She twitched. Like he had any right to complain.

Her only response was a scowl -huh, she said that out loud too, didn't she?

Hidan didn't bother to respond to that one.

Meanwhile, Shin and Karu had stopped arguing in circles to watch the on-goings, one snickering at the predicament while the other giggled. Well damn, looks like they all had some sadism in them.

The strange look on Hidan's face told her she'd spoken that bit out loud once again...oops.

* * *

**S** asori was chuckling mentally. Too bad Kakuzu -or, in fact, any of the others; weren't here, because this was amusing as hell. Not even the time Orochimaru had accidentally walked into the meeting room in his pajamas, carrying plushies with him as he did, was had been quite as interesting. Granted, some of the creeper factor had taken away from it (the plushes having been of a chibi-Manda, one of his subordinates, and two known Uchihas, while he had been wearing pink pajamas with cupcakes and the symbol for 'fire' like that on the Hokage's hat dispersed on the sleepwear; unfortunately, he had also admitted he had ice blue pajamas with Sharingan and snakes on it too -entirely by accident mind you, but several of the less...experienced...ninja had been scarred for life. Especially as he also apparently wore a mud mask so that his 'skin didn't get dry'. Granted, the last thing was reasonable, but he had still been nearly unrecognizable when he had come in that morning...).

Oh well, he thought, unable to help looking at her rather curiously. She seemed to be rather good at putting herself into the mindsets of others and then deducing from what she could guess -as had just been proven- but how did she know about the Akatsuki, how they worked, who they were, and how they thought so well? Well, as far as she had shown (so far anyways), her statements had hinted that she knew much more than she'd said, though that bit about 'ids' and 'super-egos' and whatnot had been rather confusing.

Deciding to spare Hidan from too much more shock (as he was the only one who could really last and put up with Kakuzu at all, really) Sasori spoke up.

"Perhaps you'd like to ask our Leader why he sent us yourself?" He asked calmly. "He did request we bring you back alive, after all," the puppet he stayed in as protection distorted his voice so that it was deeper and more gravelly than it really was but, as a ninja, anonymity was a plus, so it really didn't matter.

The girl gave him a mildly curious yet confused look. "Why would he send someone for me and for them to bring me back alive?" She asked, startled. Clearly she didn't realize until afterwards when she spoke what she was thinking. Oh well, it was useful, though a bit confusing when she spoke of something they didn't know about (or could be deemed insane).

Hidan scowled. "Why don't you fucking ask him yourself, bitch," he muttered, glaring. This time, the girl just blinked, then shrugged.

"Sure, why not..." Sasori would've blinked if he really needed to, or sweat if he still had a human body.

Apparently she still thought this was all some sort of 'dream'... And apparently Hidan was thinking along the same lines he was, if the darkening look on his face was anything to go by...

* * *

**Chapter 3 (Scrapped?: The Akatsuki Base)**

**U** pon first glance, the girl seemed somewhat normal. Soft, like a civilian, despite the strange clothes she wore. Then again, it could easily be put off as civilian fashion from a different country. The glasses she wore looked expensive, compared to the usual, though they still looked efficient. The black, rectangular framed spectacles clearly weren't just for fashion.

As for clothes, she wore a strange outfit of white, grey, and faded brown. If Pein been able to describe them via the actual terms for them, he would have said she was wearing a grey t-shirt with mainly dull purple and darker grey decal, though leaves and flowers (roses, as he would've known if he had ever seen and known what they were) were in color, even if in faded or dull colors. Over that, she wore a white hoodie with a design that made it look like someone had scribbled the large black checkerboard squares on it. She also wore plain brown jeans that may have been a size too big though they fit around her hips well enough that it could be dismissed at part of the design. Apart from that, she wore what anyone typically wore under their clothes, as well as socks and strange looking white shoes that probably added an inch or so to her height. He would have called them strange, seemingly seamless shoes that went up just past her ankles -she would have called them boots.

Either way, her appearance was a bit strange, and aside from that, she was wearing a gold bracelet with three white stones that might have been opal, though he was no expert in stones or gems, so he couldn't honestly say. No matter though, overall, she still looked like some well off civilian, perhaps, if one didn't concentrate on the strangeness of her attire.

Of course, that wasn't what he was noticing at the moment, as he watched the (even in his mind) strange trio. The girl flanked on either side by men taller and far more intimidating (especially since Sasori was still within Hiruko, not that she could possibly know), and yet, she didn't seem intimidated at all despite Hidan's rather ugly scowl and Sasori's typical unnerving (to most people) presence.

No, in fact, she looked rather  _bored_ , of all things. Only a spark of curiosity evident in the way that she was allowing her eyes to wander around the room, ignoring his presence (something which was rather annoying now that he was really noticing it) as well as those of the Akatsuki members on either side of her.

Overall, strange. Especially as she didn't seem to care that she was in the presence of S-Rank Missing Nin...

* * *

**A** llowing her eyes to wander, she had to admit, the place was a lot nicer than she'd thought it be -oh, it had still been sufficiently dark -and possibly damp- with winding halls and nondescript doors as she would have expected, but it was also a lot cleaner and much less sinister (discounting the dark and long and somewhat confusing halls and corridors, and maaaaybe Zetsu, though that really wasn't the poor plant-man's fault) than she would have thought.

In fact, even as she stood between Hidan and Saso-Puppet (and Pein of course, can never forget one of Pein's marionette corpse-things -Yahiko or Yagihiko if she was remembering correctly, though she was preeeeetty sure it was the first), in the Akatsuki base and especially within their supposed 'Leader-sama's office, she couldn't help but think that...

That the room was goddamn  _boring._

In fact, it looked like any other corporate office except for the fact that it was sparser, smaller, and hell of a lot darker (dark as in lighting, not atmosphere).

Shin gave a snort, clearly not impressed, while Karu sort of twittered, as if itching to add some life to the room...

Actually, her own fingers were twitching to at least add a little color to the room (even if it was dull or grey). Something she was sure at least one of the Ninja had noticed. She was starting to somewhat doubt that this was a dream as she'd originally believed, as her own belief was that Pein would have a much more awesome office or meeting room, or whatever room this was.

Then again, considering there were technically seven of him, and his main base was in Ame, perhaps not so far-fetched.

Annnnd she'd said that out loud again, hadn't she? She thought -said?- as she noticed that she was, once again, the center of attention.

Shin just snickered.

She sighed, "Joy..." She muttered, expression properly blanked of all previous traces of emotion that may or may not have been existent upon her face...

* * *

**S** omehow, Pein managed to keep his face expressionless, despite the marginal surprise that may or may not have shown anyways, considering that the girl seemed to know quite a lot about him -them- in particular.

Of course, neither Hidan nor Sasori seemed surprised by how much she seemed to know if he was reading them correctly -which he more than likely was.

Which might have explained why she also seemed to be entirely unharmed, now that he thought about it. But  _still_...


End file.
